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22 January 2006 @ 06:12 pm
Orpheus, or the Marvellous Constancy of Male Stupidity  
With apologies to Sam and Dave...


Opera-a-Minute!

Orpheus, or The Marvellous Constancy of Love
Music by Georg Philipp Telemann
Libretto by Michel du Boullay
Ultra-condensed by moi

Queen
I love Orpheus. Orpheus loves Eurydice. Let's kill her.

Henchmaiden
Good idea!

(They do so.)

Orpheus
Ohnoes! My wife is dying! Help!

Eurydice
Too late, I'm dead. (dies)

Orpheus
My life is over.

Orpheus's best friend
(eyeing a nymph) Say, you're kinda cute.

Nymph
Not interested. Creep.

Orpheus
(a little louder this time) My life is over.

Best friend
So quit your whining and go get her back.

Orpheus
Hey, good idea.

(ORPHEUS uses his lute to play his way into the UNDERWORLD. Meanwhile, the COMPOSER, having lost his CREATIVITY fifteen scenes ago, starts borrowing ARIAS from other OPERAS.)

Pluto
INTRUDER! ATTACK! -Wait, do I hear music?

Henchman
Pluto, Orpheus is here.

Orpheus
Gimme my wife back.

Pluto
Yeah, okay. In fact, I'm going to declare a holiday in the underworld. Henchmen, no more torturing today.

Tormented souls
Thanks, Orpheus.

Henchman
Right, so, Orpheus, here's your wife. You're not allowed to look at her until you're back above ground. Oh, and it was the Queen that did it!

Orpheus
The Queen?!?

Eurydice
Whatever, just get me out of here.

(ORPHEUS and EURYDICE make it almost all the way out of the UNDERWORLD. Then ORPHEUS looks back.)

Eurydice
You idiot! I was almost there! (gets dragged off by PLUTO'S HENCHMEN.)

(Meanwhile, the QUEEN and her HENCHMAIDEN are waiting above.)

Queen
If Eurydice isn't still dead, I'm going to kill her.

Henchmaiden
There's something seriously wrong with you.

(ORPHEUS enters.)

Orpheus
My life is over, and it's all your fault, you evil, evil woman.

Queen
But I love you!

(ORPHEUS stares at her blankly. That is, he does the operatic equivalent of staring at her blankly, which is to sing at her disdainfully for a few minutes. The QUEEN gets really mad and organizes a MOB of ANGRY WOMEN, the 18th century equivalent of FEMINAZIS, who beat ORPHEUS to DEATH.)

Queen
(sobs) But I loved him!

THE END
 
 
I'm feeling: deviousimpish
I'm listening to: Telemann's Orpheus, what else?
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on January 23rd, 2006 08:34 pm (UTC)
Ah, *now* I understand. Endings and beginnings are within the passage to Hades, which acts both as a wall and a bridge.... Wotta guy, that Orpheus.

-Nisan
minokh_shorahminokh_shorah on January 24th, 2006 04:43 am (UTC)
*points to the title* You're not supposed to be thinking smart thoughts! :P

...But care to elaborate? This sounds like an interesting theme for our class discussion. :)
(Anonymous) on January 25th, 2006 07:21 pm (UTC)
I don't know, I was just saying stuff ;)